...looking back...

12:52 AM 6/13/2009

...while browsing for old pictures; I came across all my previous emotional write ups…understanding them brings me back to that certain time of my life, i'm having a free ride in my time machine...wanna join?!

The ones highlighted in red are my explanations and present thoughts…

1.

…it was this time that my mind was full of words, though I am physically at a work but my eyes was staring impassively at my monitor… reading this again reminds me of my youngster days and how I found the love of GOD amidst the crisscross ’s of my existence…

introduction

Each person has a story to tell, whether they come neither from a joyful childhood nor to a past they long to forget and leave behind, it comprises various emotions and strategies; and it is up to that person h0w she/he will handle it, whether for the betterment or the other way around. My story may not be that unique and different to anybody, but it made me the person who I am and what I achieved today.

As a growing child I was aware that my life is never and will never be a bed of roses; I came from a family that didn’t worked out, my parents got separated before I came out from my mother’s womb. It was my mother who look for ways in order to survive. It was a painful experience but I choose to make my life become a perfect one in my own little way. As I entered my teen years I lived a life on my own; got a part time job to finance myself and a scholarship in order for me to achieve what I want in the future. I build a strong wall foundation of survival, determination, and perseverance. People see me as a very strong individual but they didn’t know that I only hide the deteriorating sentiments in my character. With that fighting spirit I marched the aisle of accomplishment, got a degree and land a job immediately, it may not be a dream job but it added points to my confidence. And since I was looking for a greener pasteur I decided to leave what I have and try my luck in Manila. It’s hard at first, but with the help of God I was able to find a job the soonest possible time; and not only did God helped me but He sought me on my journey, His loving hands catch me before I would feel the starting of the fall and His unfailing love comforts me every time the drought of sensation arises. And a very sweet promise He conveyed to me that made me twist my life all over again making Him the center of the masterpiece – “for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

When I look back on my past, never did I imagine that I would exist continually in this world of obscurity, I have this sense of awe in the works of God on my existence. Life is in deed a cycle of unbelievable circumstances, you’ll never know what will happen on that certain day and the day after that, we all need the mercy and grace of our Maker for us to endure. One of the many things that taught me in all my experiences is living each day of our lives as if it’s our last, not pleasing the stare of men but delighting the gaze of our heavenly father, the author of life.

2.

...i met someone, we have fun, we really get along so well, we have a lot of things in common then suddenly...i just fall for him!

clueless

I breathed a typical life, though it may not be that perfect and fulfilling, but one thing I’m sure of is I managed to survive amidst the throbbing.

I have a lot of what if’s in my existence, full of doubts and fears, I may call it quits but I continue clinging on my hope that someday, somehow I could find the answers to the questions I haven’t even figured out.

I was once alone, and then someone came along, showed me the direction to where I should only belong, I stayed for quite sometime now and don’t know up to when I’m supposed to seize on.

I’m a pantomime on my own reality, don’t know how to converse and never even know how to retort. I am monotonous under my own steam, no where to dash and no where to put out of sight.

I decided to break free and set off to a place where I could be me, to that somewhere I’ll fabricate my entity and unearth the misplaced fraction of me.

Like a sailing wind I turned out to be, a mind-numbing way of life transpired and made me conscious this time around. I am blissful at one point but something bizarre came about that cause my sensitivity to thump and my mentality to question.

I never seek out, but I was found and without a sign, not even a caution, a stranger came about, a human being I’ve been dying to convene, his occurrence I can not stand firm. I thought that was the commencement of a new journey, but it turned out to be a devastated me.

A past he can’t overcome, a present he desires to continue holding on ‘til the last breathe of his life and a future he longs to pursue and conquer.

Where could I be placed in those circumstances? Where could I be found in his state of being? My mind is out and sanity drives me away, but I persist and prefer to linger anticipating that somewhere along the way he could offer me glimpse of his entirety.

3.

…at this time everything seems to be in its worst: issues with career, life, love, family, friends…I was super down that I badly needed for someone to hold on!

crossroads

Lost in my own shadow
Felt so down and blue
My spirit is high but my emotions were low
Holding back the tears to flow
So that people wouldn’t know.

I’m on my crossroads again
Would I turn my back or just have to move on?
Where will YOU lead me?
What will I be?
I know I shouldn’t worry
Must yearn for serenity
To YOU I bow down and pray.

Hear me out my KING
Hide me in your wings
Fill the emptiness
I need YOUR sweet caress
Reveal to me YOUR ways
Hold me endlessly
Don’t let YOUR unfailing love set me free
For you alone deserves my entirety.

4.

... a moment in my life where I was able to find the way back to GOD, it was very fulfilling and I missed that moment right now…so sad that I am slowly drifting again…

Maker of my life

Your hand I desire to hold
Your presence I yearn to behold
I lay my life again
Renewing the commitment I once gain
A wondrous journey I am now taking
Your path I am eagerly seeking
The adversary soon will be attacking
But Your affectionate arms I will be pursuing.

Allow my soul to shout Your name
Accept this depraved heart you tamed
May this sacrifice pleasing to Your sight
That brings a sweet heavenly scent to the sky.

You are my life’s solid ground
I may often stumble and fall down
But I will claim Your promises in Your word
My weapon in the battle, my forceful-sharp-edge sword.

5.

...bleeding heart was what I experienced during this time, a bad news that was relayed to me over the phone by my friend, and I cried my heart out in the bathroom...

Olive Juice

We held each other as if there was no tomorrow
We were used to a life close in each others arms
We strive hard to surpass the challenges of time
We envision together a lifetime commitment.

Where am I heading right now?
Why does my sensitivity bleeding?
How come you let go of my hand?
When will you be coming back?

I, alone in my sorrow
Can’t think of something new
Words running out of my senses
With broken spirit I stand defenseless.

My innermost being is aching
Weeping and groaning
Set me free from this bondage
Empty the heavy laden baggage.

I love you
Those words I utter were true
‘til forever I’ll hold your promise
Because you are my life’s peace
I’ll stand still and wait for your presence
Until you’ll decide to look back ‘coz you miss my absence.

6.

…looking back it was an unbelievable feeling, I can say I was so super in love with him, my world was with him…then suddenly it took me by surprised because he is no longer the man I once used to love…

Loneliness

You said you’ll stay a lifetime … the words “you’ll never let go of me” echoes in my system… you pledged a love so pure and true, in the altar we’re supposed to go… there was once you and me, sharing a long-term connection… but now… “you” fade away… while “me???”…. Standing on the fuming rain… drenched ‘til deep with-in… tears pour out… my body subsided to an excruciating pain…can’t fight it anymore…I’m frail…I’m fading inside…

Where was I when you laid your eyes on her?... where was my touch when you held her close?... where was my lips when you kissed her back?... and where were your guarantees when you speak softly in her ears the words that made my existence shatter?...

Wondering in anguish, caressing the bitterness, my humanity brings to an end… I love you and that’s all I ever know… in another lifetime I’ll still seek you… even if I will feel the twinge over and over again……

7.

…a point in my life where I turned my back on HIM, I am so afraid to face my own issues… then again like a child learning to walk, I slowly took my little step back to him at that moment… and right now: I am stagnant…

Love of GOD

No man will ever claim you unless he claims you from Me. For I reserved a man for you, who has My heart & loves Me even more than he will love you. For I wont give you unless he ask you from Me. He’s asleep don’t wake him he’s busy for Me, for my Kingdom. Soon you will know him, but in My perfect timing. You’re my princess, My daughter. Let NO prince claim you unless he asks you from my hand, for I am your father, the King of kings, You my princess are worth waiting for. I love you----
Your Father,
GOD

In the wilderness of my life I found the strength to get up and take the journey again, He sought me after the storm, clothed me with His love, cleansed my being and purifies my soul.
I was once in His presence but I chose a life of His absence. I was already in the light but preferred darkness to rule-over my life. I walked a feisty path but lingered on a filthy burrow. I was being cast down by my shepherd in order for me to need Him desperately. I struggle for breath, so frightened and helpless, and no matter how I tried to escape the situation, I loss.
“I want you back!” I shouted and plead, was crying my heart out but no one hears the thunder of pain striking my existence. I lie awake with a burdened and heavy laden package. I stubbornly waited but no rescue came my way. So restless and felt bare, then I became still. In my silence He whispered restoration, rejuvenate my incapacity, and place the morning sun as a new beginning of my journey.
His given me His mercy and to Him I give back all the glory. I may pass another crooked trail but I trust in His goodness, He will never forsake nor abandon me because his presence manifest in me.

8.
…it was this person that I am willing to give up everything just to be with him… then the words he said was “we are too good to be true…” then that was the end…


HIM

Rescue – to save, to set free, to let go – a word that’s easily been said but hard to do. We may rescue someone’s life over the possibilities of danger but can we rescue our own selves when we face the end of the line?

I know very well that I am in high spirit with my six-year relationship, he is not a perfect person but through his imperfections the love rooted deep within my being. Never I imagined myself longing for somebody else’ affection, he’s the best thing life could ever offer me. Not until a certain man came into my senses, I’ve been tested by the winds of time. He came unexpectedly, no signs, not even warnings, but I fell into his arms.
A moment where all the circumstances were different, far different from the way I used to spending my whole being. The first time in my life to question the so-called forever-after thing I have. I was greatly overwhelmed, forgetting the dignity I have; I made a decision to choose him and spend a worthwhile time with him. Days I woke up so excited and nights were so special.

9.

…while reading this again, I figured out that “my the one” was no longer the person I’m dying to spend forever with right now…so sad but its true…

you are the one

Having found the “you are the one” in our lives would surely send electrifying chill in our well-being. It is where one offers the other a totality of love while the other accepts it feeling the completeness of his entirety. Even if great risk is involved we choose to dwell on it for a very simple reason— it made us smile.

On my younger years, though I have this day-dream of a prince charming that will become my night-and-shining armor and the illusion of a happy-ever-after tale, it never changed my perspective of “no relationships will last a lifetime.” Not until that “someone” came into the picture; he became visible at the time of my uncertainty that helped me to be whole again.

I loved him not the -- because of -- but the -- inspite of --, I choose to love the imperfections rather than the aptness of his character, and I decided to make him the person GOD has prepared to spend forever with me.

A relationship that may or may not be made in heaven but has imparted a great significance --- once you love - keep it entrenched with-in your system; once you commit - hold on to the commitment no matter what the circumstance and situation is and never ever let go of it…

...was so full of varied sentiments that time... words are just dipping like rain... it's like my brain is about to blast...this blog is now my channel in venting out my annoyances....